The Toxic Vagina: Act One


Gekko – A penis, in his sixties. Weathered yet resilient. Paul Reubens would be ideal (if available/interested).

Zeta – a vagina, in her prime. Aged whilst retaining a dignified beauty. Ione Skye is first choice for the role.


Malibu, California, U.S.A.. A large, well-appointed master bedroom with adjoining en suite. Uninterrupted views to the Pacific Ocean.


The present minus ten minutes.


The set is intended as a performance space. There is a bed, as well as several plush chairs. Costumes and props are always visible. The basic costumes are the ones worn by the company of actors. Costumes to portray the actors should be simple yet elegant: a shirt, some designer prescription eyewear, possibly a headpiece of some description. The goal is to suggest, not to recreate. With this in mind, this is a character-driven piece.


NARRATOR: In 2010, sometime in August, Gekko’s associate and trusted confidant, one Jack Colton, was diagnosed with a malignancy. This had a terrible personal impact on Gekko and all that he stood for. Gekko wondered privately if this was it for him, the end of the line as it were. He was the same age as Colton, though lived a very different existence. For you see, Gekko was what they refer to as a Party Animal. If there were fun to be had, no doubt Gekko was its epicenter. Colton, on the other hand, was far more reserved and practical. He viewed his existence as one of function and servitude, and took great pride in his sensible nature and sound decision-making abilities. Gekko was frivolous yet perfectly healthy, while his careful friend had his very livelihood threatened. We join Gekko and his life partner, the lovely Zeta, as they hash out Gekko’s latest emotional red alert in their well-appointed Los Angeles palace.

ZETA: What’s the matter, darling? You seem particularly troubled as of late.

GEKKO: Well, as you know, my friend and confidant, the great Jack Colton has been struck by a dire illness. It’s really taken the wind from his sails, if you’ll forgive the crude boating reference.

ZETA: I’ll forgive most things, as you well know, particularly a reference such as the one you just made.

GEKKO: Thank you, Zeta. You truly are a comfort at a time when I need it most.

ZETA: You are most welcome, Gekko. Will you be okay?

GEKKO: Oh, in time, yes I believe that I will. But do you know what troubles me about my friend’s cursed affliction, more than anything in the world?


GEKKO: As much as it pains me to admit, Colt blames the illness on you.

ZETA: Me?!

GEKKO: I’m afraid so my dear.

ZETA: Colton has cancer, yes?

GEKKO: Affirmative.

ZETA: Right. So how can I be to blame for such a thing? I am but a vagina. I provide pleasure to men, and in my experimental and slightly regrettable past, the occasional woman.

GEKKO: Three letters: HPV.

ZETA: I don’t know what that is. Enlighten me.

GEKKO: Stands for human papillomavirus. It’s a fairly common STD.


GEKKO: Sexually transmitted disease? Come on Zeta, you should know this stuff by now.

ZETA: Then we’re perfectly safe. I’ve only had encounters with you and Colton for the past decade, as you know. I couldn’t possibly transmit anything of any real danger.

GEKKO: That’s not entirely true, and I think you know it.

ZETA: I take great personal offense to the suggestion! Who else could I possibly have been with?

GEKKO: Does the name Oliver Rose ring any bells?

ZETA (blushes): Maybe. But that was so long ago!

GEKKO: Doesn’t matter to HPV. That shit doesn’t keep track of time.

ZETA: So I fucked with Rose. What’s the big deal?

GEKKO: The big deal? You let him go down on you! You contributed to Colton getting sick! Come on Zeta, face facts! You are toxic!

ZETA: I should’ve just stayed in Swansea like Mam suggested.

GEKKO: I think I might tweet Danny De Vito. It’s been a while since we talked. He’s always been great in a crisis.

Click me for Act II

Click me for Act III