Honest Job Application

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to express an interest in…ah, fuck it. I need this job, right? You’re advertising it, it’s vacant, and I need a job. That is, one that won’t do my fucking head in. Does this one involve political wankery of the highest order? Am I going to have to find out which asses are the ones to kiss on day one, or forever be doomed to be ignored in the office by the powers that be? If so, then throw this fucking application out, I’ve already got a job like it right now.

I am proficient in nothing, unless masturbation is highly sought after by employees these days. I really hope so, because I’ve been honing my technique at random intervals during the working day, to relieve boredom and also because there’s this really attractive graduate that started last week and she wears tight tops and stretches a lot. I’ve plastered the bathroom walls with many potential heirs to my throne over that saucy grad. I was supposed to be doing billable work and spreading the gospel of our shitty company to unsuspecting clients, but that doesn’t interest me a great deal.

I expect a really good salary package, somewhere in the region of $100,000 as a starting point, projecting skyward if possible. I won’t get out of bed for anything less. Can I get a company car or at least a parking spot with my name on it? I need to have some power so I can feel better about myself and treat my underlings like the pieces of excrement that they are.

I’ve attached my CV. It is mainly bullshit.


Bloated Boy